Okay, thanks all. It was pretty simple after all. The previous person I talked to evidently though that I was trying to title a 15 year old vehicle for the first time. She was leading me down a rabbit hole with instructions that police of some flavor (or a dealership, on their letterhead) had to verify my VIN, it had to be notorized, etc, etc.
The person I talked to today (Thanks, JoeH!) simply gave me a form number, asked that I copy my Driver's License, and send a check for $10. She apologized that the online feature doesn't work for out of state residents. Simple!
Sorry for wasting your time.