Guilt about family left behind?

[ShellyJelly]

I am ready for us to quit our jobs, rent out both units in our two family house and live on the road...permanently...my husband (John) needs some convincing. Our son will be 24 this summer, so he doesn't need us to provide for him anymore. John's biggest concern seems to be not being here for his mom 75 & my parents mid 60's, we are in our 40's. It's not that they need us to for care for them, he says it's the guilt we will have if something happens and we aren't here.
I don't know if I'm being selfish or maybe ignorant. I just think WE could be sick or dead tomorrow, never mind everyone else. Do you think he has a valid reason not to leave?

[GramaofAAAA]

Wow.....you've had so many thoughts on this one! We too wanted to change our "lifestyle" at a young age. I was 56 and my honey was 58...young?? LOL We married as teens and the kids were grown and out of the house. I did the budget and with the house paid for, one of us needed to work just to stay in it. 5 BR and a large yard and garden to care for! It took me 2 years to talk him into going full time. We did on 5/21/14...almost 2 years now and we love it!! We winter "down south" and come back in the spring, to see the kids and grandkids. I did work the first 2 summers as a camp host to add to our income. This will be my first summer off!! We are excited to do some traveling up north this summer!! Yes, we sold the house and everything in it!! Are we sorry.....NO!! But, we have an exit plan for when we are ready. We live on our monthly income and leave the savings alone for a "rainy day". Take some time to figure things out, have no debt and a exit plan. Good luck 🙂

[RVcrazy]

If you are still watching this thread... I suggest changing jobs to be on the same schedule. I think it would give you more time to have activities or camp together. We have only been FT for 2 years. If you travel, rather than sit for months in the same place, it costs more than you might think. Personally, I would consider looking for work with a good retirement plan, maybe part time or school year so that you can spend more time camping together before making th FT decision.

[4X4Dodger]

Nutinelse2do wrote:

ShellyJelly wrote:

Nutinelse2do wrote:
I am going to 2nd what toedtoes, and 2oldman said.

Living somewhere in a " camper " on the cheap, is a heck of alot different than living the fulltime lifestyle.
If you plan on selling your stuff, and taking off, you better have a lot in savings.

Fulltiming is not an inexpensive adventure. You still have all your regular expenses, plus alot more.

It may be time to grab a cocktail, sit down, and have a heart to heart with your hubby. Kinda sounds like a job change for you might be in order, to start, since you appear very unhappy with it.

Good luck with everything.

"Living somewhere in a "camper" on the cheap is a heck of alot different than living the full-time lifestyle" jeez really? Last time I checked an rv was a mobile home, I am assuming that full-time means permanently living in it. Am I wrong?

It has a different definition, depending on who you ask, and it has been a frequent topic on this forum.

My statement was regarding EXPENSES. Yes, you can plunk your camper down at an rv park, or trailer park somewhere, and it will be much cheaper than living in a house.
If you plan on traveling alot, and seeing and doing things, it is usually more expensive than a house. You have all your regular expenses... Internet, medical insurance, food, television, etc. To that, if you travel, add in fuel, maintenance, propane, roadside assistance, rv park fees, etc, then it can get very expensive.
I was trying to be helpful, but since you took offense to it, good luck with your venture.

I am sorry and with all due respect I have to take issue with some of your conclusions about the cost of full timing.

First in your Brick and mortar house you more than likely have to pay RENT or Mortgage and in addition to that you must pay for WATER, ELECTRIC, MAYBE GAS TOO, GARBAGE, PROPERTY TAXES IF YOU OWN, CABLE TV AND INTERNET. And there are more.

While on the road and actually travelling we spend much less than $1200 per month on parking our TV and trailer and that price INCLUDES all of those above expenses. That is LESS than $40 per day. (except for Propane which is Cheap and efficient ie you don;t really use much.)

We buy wine for dinner, we eat Steak about once a week, we eat out when we want to.

At the price of gas/Diesel in the US it is pretty cheap to go even a long distance.

Since Feb 2015 I have traveled 21,909 miles and paid $6,016.00 in Fuel. That comes out to $401.06 per month.

I have spent approx. $240 dollars over that same time period for Propane.

I have gone from Minot ND to Chicago and back and from Minot to the southern tip of the Baja and am now in upper British Columbia. In between I made a trip to the National parks of the west. In short I am not standing still.

Even with all of that it is still Cheaper than living in a brick and mortar house, keeping the cost of two cars, etc etc.

For the OP: Don't listen to the naysayers go out and try it and see what you can do. Everyone lives a bit differently. We spend more money on books and wine than most probably do and we enjoy the National Parks and other parks as a break from the "RV slums" of some RV Parks.

Your lifestyle on the road determines you view of this issue.

[2gypsies1]

Like I stated earlier, you both have to want to do this equally or it won't work. Someone will be hurt and dissatisfied.

I guess we were lucky when we began full-timing in our early 50's. Our parents were all for us doing it as they had never really had the opportunity to travel. Our kids were in their early 20's and they, too, encouraged us. Our grandkids grew up with us traveling and were totally disappointed when 16 years later we sold the motorhome. They had many good experiences with us RVing.

For all of the above we made sure we were there for special occasions - even the grandkids' first day of school, important sports games, etc. It wasn't easy but we did it. Sometimes just one of us would go. When our parents - at ages 85-96 - were having health issues, we upped our return time to get them through some difficult times. Our siblings generously helped out without any resentment. When the parents were bed-ridden during their last months we sent our siblings on a vacation even if it was touring the city they lived. It was a chance for them to get away from being a caregiver and all they did for our parents. We took over during that time. To the end our parents were happy for us. Again, I guess we were lucky.

We're now in our 70's and are very healthy and active. If our kids wanted to take off we surely wouldn't stop them.

As for the cost of RVing. Nowadays, there are many young people hitting the road. Many are able to work from their RV with the technology and there are many others who workkamp for a salary. It's not much but it's enough for them. Most full-timers don't need much. They can live minimally and it's uplifting. Others volunteer for their campsite and do this year-round, moving from one place to another. It doesn't cost much in fuel and it gives them a purpose and a chance to explore new areas. So it can definitely be done when you're young. A big issue is medical insurance and that can be costly.

As young full-timers you wouldn't be alone out there and if you meet up with others it could be quite enjoyable and you'll make lasting friendships as we did. You can get many ideas from others doing it, leads on jobs and just plain socialization with others like you. The Escapees RV Club now has a branch called Xscapers who are younger and many still working full-timers. Check them out.

https://www.xscapers.com/

[2oldman]

ShellyJelly wrote:
Somehow it turned into judgement, belittling and jumping to conclusions. I thought your statement was coming from a place of superiority and I guess it was just the proverbial straw. I guess this is why I don't post in forums.

These kinds of posts often end like this.

[toedtoes]

ShellyJelly wrote:

My apologies if I misunderstood your intentions. Originally I asked a question about my husband wanting to stay because of family. I didn't know how to help ease his mind. I wanted to know if people had regrets about loss. Somehow it turned into judgement, belittling and jumping to conclusions. I thought your statement was coming from a place of superiority and I guess it was just the proverbial straw. I guess this is why I don't post in forums.

I don't see any judgement, belittling or jumping to conclusions. I see people trying to offer advice/suggestions to what you've posted.

The fact is, you can't "ease his mind". Only he can do that. What you can do is talk about options, compromises, and/or alternatives with him and see if you can find something that will work better.

Maybe moving to a smaller house and reducing your expenses so you can live on one salary can alleviate the dissatisfaction you have. Maybe changing to a part-time job that allows you more flexibility to enjoy your camper more?

It seems like when folks get "tired" of the rat race (I include myself in this), they want to get rid of it all. In reality, it usually doesn't need to be that drastic - just a re-prioritization of what is important in your life can fix the problem; without losing everything you've built in the process.

I also think that people forget to be empathetic. While Mom and Dad might not "need" you, that doesn't mean they don't have fears. Having their structure changed on them can bring out issues that never showed before - and yes, having adult children who have always been near decide to move away or travel extensively IS changing the parents' structure. It's not that adult children shouldn't go do their own thing, live their own lives - but people are interconnected and what you do has a big impact on others in your life. It's kind of funny that we hear complaints about people not being considerate of others (generator noises, barking dogs, screaming children, and so on), but when the question comes up about full-timing and family guilt it's always "you only live once", "it's your life", "don't let them dictate" regardless of the reason behind the family guilt (sure, some parents will milk it, but most really do have fears about being old and alone). My Dad always thought you should do what you want and would have never thought to deny any of us our freedom - but when he reached the age where death became a reality, his fears outweighed his sense of "it's your life do what you want".

[Nutinelse2do]

No worries. If you see my 1st post, it was nothing but encouraging.
It is a very tough decision. Only you and your hubby can figure out what's right for you.
It is a life changing decision, and shouldn't be taken lightly.
Best of luck to you two.

Edit... I understand why you think people are belittling you, and insulting you. The greater populous of posters on here are older than your parents. Some are not as eloquent when it comes to responding to posts ( myself included ). The majority of people on here are just trying to help. They have a lifetime of experiences, and are trying to share them, mostly to give you things to think about, put you outside of your box, and encourage you to think ahead, instead of living for the moment.

Read between the lines, don't take anything personally, and don't discredit anything said. While you are sitting at your desk, hating your job, which most people do, reread the responses to your post, and think what each person is truly saying, in their own way.

This forum is a place to have your questions answered, so please don't be put off by some responses.

[ShellyJelly]

FULLTIMEWANABE wrote:
Remember the saying ........... How do you eat a whole elephant? One bite at a time.

As with all big life altering goals and coming to terms with adjustments etc, it's sometimes best to break them down into little pieces and triumph over one piece at a time. Is there a way you can discuss with your husband about doing extended after extended trips. We started RVing in the late 90's, initially cramming in lots of long weekends, a 10/12 day Easter trip and then adding in on top of those one 3/4week summer trip until lately we do three 4 to 8 week trips a year and few long weekends within a couple of hours of home base. I truly believe this has helped "me" (hubby is a fly by the seat of his pants, let's just do it type of guy) come around to giving up everything to go FT in less than a year now.

I've met many folks over the years that emigrated from the UK to Canada where the wife unsure (sometimes the husband but most often wife), just took an initial 1 year leave of absence from their "great benefits" UK job, and then had to make a decision to terminate and stay or go back after the year. For most they stayed in Canada, but an odd one or two did end up going back to their homeland, friends and family and secured in mindset job = personalities are individual and that we should never forget!

Not trying to say you are by any means but .......... If you railroad your husband into doing what you really want, the chances are strong that it is a disaster in the making, as he too has his "needs, wants and desires". Can you not come up with a compromise where, psychologically it doesn't feel such a "be all and end all" type of situation to him?

You might be shocked that in the long term he embraces the lifestyle even moreso than you do given time and dipping his toe in the water initially.

One thing that's only been mentioned a couple of times but needs to be stressed is the finances to live FT in an RV, for it to at least live up to your expectations regarding travelling, moving etc. If you end up unable to move due to costs or having to take soul destroying work positions you don't enjoy just to keep food in your tummy's then this will just compound any other issues you may have. For sure, be confident without a shadow of a doubt that you can achieve your FTing goals for a few years at best and that doing so will not be at detriment to your future retirement years in maybe less than stellar health.

There is definitely no right or wrong way for any of us to live our lives as we are all of different natures and personalities which is what makes us all unique, but there has to be some middle ground compromise and expectations as a couple to ensure ongoing harmony.

As for a parent making you feel guilty about leaving, that is totally unacceptable. Our children don't owe us anything whatsoever, they never ever asked to be born! We all have children for our own selfish reasons, and we owe them, never the other way around. We have a duty to set them up in life, knowing generally right from wrong, teach them how to become independent standing on their own two feet, grow within themselves, become an asset to society, and show empathy where warranted for others. Above all to lead a happy, healthy and loving life. We would never ever expect our children to put their lives on hold for us, and encourage them all the time to grab the bull by the horns so to speak. However, being "their parents", we would be there to support them as long as we are able, always with the premise of teaching them to fish not just giving them fish.

It sounds like you and your hubby need to seriously sit down and discuss "pros and cons" of going FT from all aspects and both viewpoints, as well trying to address the compromises that you "each as individuals" are prepared to make.

Happy Travels......... wherever there's a strong enough will, there is always a way!

FTW.

PS: For what it's worth, I've wanted to retire from the second day after I started work and that was four decades plus ago (LOL). Our compromise has been taking more and longer extended trips whilst saving towards the "highlight of our twilight" hopefully to start real soon now.

Thank you for your thoughtful post. You have been very lucky to be able to take your extended trips, I hope that you will reach your savings goal very soon.

[ShellyJelly]

Nutinelse2do wrote:

ShellyJelly wrote:

Nutinelse2do wrote:
I am going to 2nd what toedtoes, and 2oldman said.

Living somewhere in a " camper " on the cheap, is a heck of alot different than living the fulltime lifestyle.
If you plan on selling your stuff, and taking off, you better have a lot in savings.

Fulltiming is not an inexpensive adventure. You still have all your regular expenses, plus alot more.

It may be time to grab a cocktail, sit down, and have a heart to heart with your hubby. Kinda sounds like a job change for you might be in order, to start, since you appear very unhappy with it.

Good luck with everything.

"Living somewhere in a "camper" on the cheap is a heck of alot different than living the full-time lifestyle" jeez really? Last time I checked an rv was a mobile home, I am assuming that full-time means permanently living in it. Am I wrong?

It has a different definition, depending on who you ask, and it has been a frequent topic on this forum.

My statement was regarding EXPENSES. Yes, you can plunk your camper down at an rv park, or trailer park somewhere, and it will be much cheaper than living in a house.
If you plan on traveling alot, and seeing and doing things, it is usually more expensive than a house. You have all your regular expenses... Internet, medical insurance, food, television, etc. To that, if you travel, add in fuel, maintenance, propane, roadside assistance, rv park fees, etc, then it can get very expensive.
I was trying to be helpful, but since you took offense to it, good luck with your venture.

My apologies if I misunderstood your intentions. Originally I asked a question about my husband wanting to stay because of family. I didn't know how to help ease his mind. I wanted to know if people had regrets about loss. Somehow it turned into judgement, belittling and jumping to conclusions. I thought your statement was coming from a place of superiority and I guess it was just the proverbial straw. I guess this is why I don't post in forums.

[FULLTIMEWANABE]

Remember the saying ........... How do you eat a whole elephant? One bite at a time.

As with all big life altering goals and coming to terms with adjustments etc, it's sometimes best to break them down into little pieces and triumph over one piece at a time. Is there a way you can discuss with your husband about doing extended after extended trips. We started RVing in the late 90's, initially cramming in lots of long weekends, a 10/12 day Easter trip and then adding in on top of those one 3/4week summer trip until lately we do three 4 to 8 week trips a year and few long weekends within a couple of hours of home base. I truly believe this has helped "me" (hubby is a fly by the seat of his pants, let's just do it type of guy) come around to giving up everything to go FT in less than a year now.

I've met many folks over the years that emigrated from the UK to Canada where the wife unsure (sometimes the husband but most often wife), just took an initial 1 year leave of absence from their "great benefits" UK job, and then had to make a decision to terminate and stay or go back after the year. For most they stayed in Canada, but an odd one or two did end up going back to their homeland, friends and family and secured in mindset job = personalities are individual and that we should never forget!

Not trying to say you are by any means but .......... If you railroad your husband into doing what you really want, the chances are strong that it is a disaster in the making, as he too has his "needs, wants and desires". Can you not come up with a compromise where, psychologically it doesn't feel such a "be all and end all" type of situation to him?

You might be shocked that in the long term he embraces the lifestyle even moreso than you do given time and dipping his toe in the water initially.

One thing that's only been mentioned a couple of times but needs to be stressed is the finances to live FT in an RV, for it to at least live up to your expectations regarding travelling, moving etc. If you end up unable to move due to costs or having to take soul destroying work positions you don't enjoy just to keep food in your tummy's then this will just compound any other issues you may have. For sure, be confident without a shadow of a doubt that you can achieve your FTing goals for a few years at best and that doing so will not be at detriment to your future retirement years in maybe less than stellar health.

There is definitely no right or wrong way for any of us to live our lives as we are all of different natures and personalities which is what makes us all unique, but there has to be some middle ground compromise and expectations as a couple to ensure ongoing harmony.

As for a parent making you feel guilty about leaving, that is totally unacceptable. Our children don't owe us anything whatsoever, they never ever asked to be born! We all have children for our own selfish reasons, and we owe them, never the other way around. We have a duty to set them up in life, knowing generally right from wrong, teach them how to become independent standing on their own two feet, grow within themselves, become an asset to society, and show empathy where warranted for others. Above all to lead a happy, healthy and loving life. We would never ever expect our children to put their lives on hold for us, and encourage them all the time to grab the bull by the horns so to speak. However, being "their parents", we would be there to support them as long as we are able, always with the premise of teaching them to fish not just giving them fish.

It sounds like you and your hubby need to seriously sit down and discuss "pros and cons" of going FT from all aspects and both viewpoints, as well trying to address the compromises that you "each as individuals" are prepared to make.

Happy Travels......... wherever there's a strong enough will, there is always a way!

FTW.

PS: For what it's worth, I've wanted to retire from the second day after I started work and that was four decades plus ago (LOL). Our compromise has been taking more and longer extended trips whilst saving towards the "highlight of our twilight" hopefully to start real soon now.

[Nutinelse2do]

ShellyJelly wrote:

Nutinelse2do wrote:
I am going to 2nd what toedtoes, and 2oldman said.

Living somewhere in a " camper " on the cheap, is a heck of alot different than living the fulltime lifestyle.
If you plan on selling your stuff, and taking off, you better have a lot in savings.

Fulltiming is not an inexpensive adventure. You still have all your regular expenses, plus alot more.

It may be time to grab a cocktail, sit down, and have a heart to heart with your hubby. Kinda sounds like a job change for you might be in order, to start, since you appear very unhappy with it.

Good luck with everything.

"Living somewhere in a "camper" on the cheap is a heck of alot different than living the full-time lifestyle" jeez really? Last time I checked an rv was a mobile home, I am assuming that full-time means permanently living in it. Am I wrong?

It has a different definition, depending on who you ask, and it has been a frequent topic on this forum.

My statement was regarding EXPENSES. Yes, you can plunk your camper down at an rv park, or trailer park somewhere, and it will be much cheaper than living in a house.
If you plan on traveling alot, and seeing and doing things, it is usually more expensive than a house. You have all your regular expenses... Internet, medical insurance, food, television, etc. To that, if you travel, add in fuel, maintenance, propane, roadside assistance, rv park fees, etc, then it can get very expensive.
I was trying to be helpful, but since you took offense to it, good luck with your venture.

[ShellyJelly]

Nutinelse2do wrote:
I am going to 2nd what toedtoes, and 2oldman said.

Living somewhere in a " camper " on the cheap, is a heck of alot different than living the fulltime lifestyle.
If you plan on selling your stuff, and taking off, you better have a lot in savings.

Fulltiming is not an inexpensive adventure. You still have all your regular expenses, plus alot more.

It may be time to grab a cocktail, sit down, and have a heart to heart with your hubby. Kinda sounds like a job change for you might be in order, to start, since you appear very unhappy with it.

Good luck with everything.

"Living somewhere in a "camper" on the cheap is a heck of alot different than living the full-time lifestyle" jeez really? Last time I checked an rv was a mobile home, I am assuming that full-time means permanently living in it. Am I wrong?

[2oldman]

ShellyJelly wrote:
So why not try? What are we going to lose?

15-20 years of saving money (building a million-dollar nest egg) to do this comfortably when you're older.

[BarbaraOK]

What will you do about health insurance. This is a real biggy for those not old enough for Medicare and it changes all of the time. It sounds wonderful to just pack up and travel around, but you have to have sufficient funds to do that. For instance, our travel this summer has to be curtailed because we just had to replace a hydraulic pump on the motorhome - which comes from England along with a thermoplug for the cooling system ~$4K when all said and done. So summer travel will be a little more frugal this year.

Barb