Dealing with elderly parent while on the road

brirene wrote:
Jeez, folks. OP asked for suggestions, not judgement, and not instructions as to what they should do. I'm quite sure none of us are privy to their specific situation, so maybe we could go a little easy on the guilt trip, huh? These decisions are never easy on families, and they're asking for suggestions. Let's let them decide what works for their family.

You've been a member since 2007... hopefully this isn't the first time you've noticed this :R

From the moment we bought our fifth wheel with the intent of full timing, my mom became ill. Six years and serious illness. We never full timed but instead went to Florida for winters and hastened back when her health required. Did what we had to do but never finished or even began our bucket list.

My husband was diagnosed with ALS on 9/4/12, one week after my mom passed away. All bets are off now for us. We plan to travel the best we can for the present but the future we had planned is over.

Please keep this in mind.

The future is not promised to any of us. Taking care of elderly parents is important but at least they lived long and (hopefully) happy lives. My husband never will. And he never got to do the travel he longed for. Balance is important between elderly parents and your lives because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Jeez, folks. OP asked for suggestions, not judgement, and not instructions as to what they should do. I'm quite sure none of us are privy to their specific situation, so maybe we could go a little easy on the guilt trip, huh? These decisions are never easy on families, and they're asking for suggestions. Let's let them decide what works for their family.

This is what got us off the road. We got a call in 2009 that MIL was not handling , alzheimers, and we ultimately sold the TT and have been caring for her at our home since. We miss the full time life every day but this is our life now. It was a painful decision but not one you have much regret about. I wish it didn't have to be but I do not regret that we chose to do the right thing.
Hopefully you stay well and get to make up for lost time later in life. There are not many guarantees but it sounds like you will be uncomfortable at best and miserable at worst being gone for 4 or 5 months. Not to mention how you'd feel if something went wrong while you were away.
Caring for a parent toward the end of life is not something people who have done it regret.
Aloha

the bear II wrote:
We moved my 94 year old dad in to live with us. He has dementia so it was an easy transition. He requires assistance with most tasks and is wheelchair bound. I modified our 5th wheel with a wheelchair lift and use a Hoyer Patient lift to get him in and out of the truck. He goes with us in the RV.

He has always travelled the country and enjoys our trips. My wife and I enjoy having him with us and I have the satisfaction in knowing that I am paying him back for the years he took care of me as a child.

Here's a little tip... several of my friends and co-workers are dealing with elderly parents. Those, like us, who have made the decision to move their parents out of their homes have all gone through the parents refusing to go or being upset. But all, within 6 months have found that their parents accept the new living arrangement and even get to the point where they don't want to leave their new place whether it's an assisted living, nursing home or a family members home. One of my co-workers has trouble getting her mom to leave the assisted living home to go out to lunch or clothes shopping. At first her mom was calling her several times a day begging to be allowed to go back home.

Another tip- don't wait too long. A friend didn't want to upset her mom by moving her out of her home. The pool guy found her lying in her garden where she had fallen off of a ladder. They figured she had been laying there for two days. She had bad bruises and was dehydrated and spent two weeks in the hospital. The daughter moved her mom in with her.

With my dad when he was 85 I received a call from the Colorado Highway Patrol, he was driving the wrong way on I-70 at 1:30 AM. The patrolman said my dad thought he was in Oregon and it was 3 in the afternoon. I went and picked him up. We kept him from driving and he came to live with us after that. For about 3 months he would once in a while say it was time for him to go home. We would just tell him we need him to stay longer to help out with a project.

Not to get off topic from the op, but reading this brought tears to my eyes! What a selfless soul. I lost both my parents in the past 18 months and cared for them both through their battles with illness. What I would give to be able to take them rving with us!!!

Your mother cared for you and was tied down when you were a child. She was in her prime when you needed close supervision for almost 20 years. Is it too much to ask that you take care of her for a few years? What if she passes away while you are traveling? I am certain you will feel pretty guilty that you didn't want to be bothered with her for a short period of time. I realize my remarks are harsh but I was not given the opportunity to be with my mother towards the end of her life and I have always regretted it.
We have a friend who brings her mother with he whenever she travels-even the mother's dog travels with them!

I was really touched by what The Bears II said. If my parents had lived long enough, I would have been thrilled to have given back for all they did for me. I realize that can't be done by everybody, but what a great gesture. Macktee

Some are mentioning a home care worker - you stated mom is 93, doesn't drive and you want to leave for 4-5 months. I just don't see a home care worker as filling her needs for that long period of time. What about the nights? You really need a family member there to oversee everything and she shouldn't be just left in the hands of a home care worker or other assorted 'volunteers' from church, etc. She is YOUR responsibility, not theirs for your 5 month vacation.

My dear MIL passed away a few months shy of 103 yrs old. She still lived in her own home. My suggestions are: They all crab about outside help, but once you find the right home care worker, they look forward to the days that the worker comes as they have time to visit as well as do personal things with them. They aren't out mowing and raking and shopping like we are. The one we had helped with bathing, cooked a meal, vacuumed, cleaned sinks & toilets, wiped up kitchen floor, laundry, whatever we needed her to do. (No heavy cleaning though) Then, her church was a god sent. They had people in the church who would assist when needed. How about a neighborhood teen. Could you pay and have the lawn mowed and give the teen a chance to earn some money. That's what we did --- he also shoveled the sidewalks in winter. We did things like, have lunch/dinner with her (we fixed the meal) take her to have her hair done, take her to Walmart or clothes shopping when she wanted to go. Take her to family functions. One brother attends the4 same church so picked her up and took her to church services. Contact the county elder care or senior agency where she lives. They also have many older volunteers that help with errands, sitting with them etc. They are reimbursed mileage thru the agency here, but volunteer their time. My parents did that and it gave then something to do.

We moved my 94 year old dad in to live with us. He has dementia so it was an easy transition. He requires assistance with most tasks and is wheelchair bound. I modified our 5th wheel with a wheelchair lift and use a Hoyer Patient lift to get him in and out of the truck. He goes with us in the RV.

He has always travelled the country and enjoys our trips. My wife and I enjoy having him with us and I have the satisfaction in knowing that I am paying him back for the years he took care of me as a child.

Here's a little tip... several of my friends and co-workers are dealing with elderly parents. Those, like us, who have made the decision to move their parents out of their homes have all gone through the parents refusing to go or being upset. But all, within 6 months have found that their parents accept the new living arrangement and even get to the point where they don't want to leave their new place whether it's an assisted living, nursing home or a family members home. One of my co-workers has trouble getting her mom to leave the assisted living home to go out to lunch or clothes shopping. At first her mom was calling her several times a day begging to be allowed to go back home.

Another tip- don't wait too long. A friend didn't want to upset her mom by moving her out of her home. The pool guy found her lying in her garden where she had fallen off of a ladder. They figured she had been laying there for two days. She had bad bruises and was dehydrated and spent two weeks in the hospital. The daughter moved her mom in with her.

With my dad when he was 85 I received a call from the Colorado Highway Patrol, he was driving the wrong way on I-70 at 1:30 AM. The patrolman said my dad thought he was in Oregon and it was 3 in the afternoon. I went and picked him up. We kept him from driving and he came to live with us after that. For about 3 months he would once in a while say it was time for him to go home. We would just tell him we need him to stay longer to help out with a project.