Dealing with elderly parent while on the road

We are in the same situation as many of you... Our mothers are aging and becoming more needy. With MIL, we had to move her from her home to a senior apartment because of health issues. She kicked and "screamed" about how she didn't want to move. The Dr. thought it was best for her and supported our decision. After about 2-3 weeks, she told all of us that she was happy that she had moved! She has people around for meals now and buzzers in her room if she needs anything. It is a huge relief to know that someone else is also watching things. (We live about 4 hrs away.) Remember that when you were a child, they probably had babysitters or relatives to provide child care upon occasion. We have recently found a team of health care workers that are providing extra assistance several times per week. We are trying to put off assisted living as long as possible to keep her in her apartment that she enjoys. They came with high reviews from the facility where she lives and have been a good economical choice for us. Most people are resistant to change. Sometimes, you just have to do it. Best of luck on your decisions.

Just because parents age, doesn't mean your life should be over, and sometimes you need a break to be able to lovingly care for them. It is not as easy to take care of an aged parent as it is a child. No one should be judging the OP. Each family/person has to decide how much they can give. Not all situations are the same.

Go Water-Bug, Go! My Old Mom (which is how I refer to her pre-illness, a lovely lady, great mom) implored me to go see the world, too. My Sick Mom (post-illness, not so lovely) didn't really know the difference anymore, but gave me guilt like yours. We'd go away for weeks at a time and return with huge guilt and she didn't even know we'd been gone (in a nursing home after a very bad stroke at the the time). So after a while we started to venture farther and longer. Still she didn't seem to know the difference in terms of time gone.

Go live your life! Your mom gave you her blessing when she was your Old Mom and that's what she wished for you! And there are not always second chances. Do it while you can.

Wishes to you for stress-free, happy travel! (And you can always fly home, if need be.)

water witch wrote:
From the moment we bought our fifth wheel with the intent of full timing, my mom became ill. Six years and serious illness. We never full timed but instead went to Florida for winters and hastened back when her health required. Did what we had to do but never finished or even began our bucket list.

My husband was diagnosed with ALS on 9/4/12, one week after my mom passed away. All bets are off now for us. We plan to travel the best we can for the present but the future we had planned is over.

Please keep this in mind.

The future is not promised to any of us. Taking care of elderly parents is important but at least they lived long and (hopefully) happy lives. My husband never will. And he never got to do the travel he longed for. Balance is important between elderly parents and your lives because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

X2

Women typically outlive men, and sometimes by more than 20 years. My mom had me at age 22 and is now 93. My RVing years and life expectancy are quickly waining. We've put off snowbirding and cross country trips for years, but now feel that it is now or never. Mom is in assisted living, but still puts the guilt trip on me if my visits are over 5 days apart. My siblings are over 1500 miles away and leave it up to me so see after mom's needs. This winter, we are going to live our lives. Is it a cold decision? Not to me and mine is the only opinion that matters. Years ago, befor Altzheimers set in, mom wrote a letter telling us to live our lives , if it ever came. (It runs in her family and she had cared for an older sibling). I'm finally following her wishes, even though she doesn't realize it now. She is in good hand and I'll still be seeing her more often than the rest of the family.

We are in your shoes as well. You cannot hire enough help to satisfy the social needs of the elderly. They live in fear of being dumped in a home and no one ever coming to visit them. Family contact is what they crave. It isn't reasonable but you can never give enough. Even if it is a very nice place, they worry about running out of money or escalating costs wiping out their nest egg. Today's world is a very confusing and technical place for seniors. Even simple things like telephones or TV remotes are difficult to impossible for many. You simply can't put them somewhere and take off for 4 or 5 months. It is possible, if you find the right circumstances for your parent, that you could leave for a week or so but at this age someone needs to be checking on them daily and providing for their social needs as well. Their social needs require family, not just hired help.

We are viewing our care at this time as payback for how wonderful my In-Laws were as we raised our family. It isn't easy, it isn't fair but it will eventually make you feel better about yourself after they pass on. I know this from first hand experience. We are also taking this as a life lesson as to how we will handle our dotage when we get there. It isn't that far off.

We have a few older friends and relatives who are no longer thriving living independently. Each situation is unique, but they have one thing in common: eventually, the person being cared for has to come to terms with needing assistance. Some do it cheerfully, most don't, and many have a very unrealistic idea of their options. (Last week my dear aunt finally said OK -- she would spend the $5 an hour and get a cleaning lady.)

For many people we know, some type of cleaning or "visiting angels" service is a wonderful solution. Mom's best friend has someone come two mornings a week thru the VA. That person will usually do house cleaning, and sometimes other things like changing bedding, doing laundry, taking garbage to dumpster, sweeping garage, making a cake or hot dish, picking up prescriptions or groceries. That coupled with Meals On Wheels makes life in the house much easier. For additional assistance with bathing and dressing, an assisted living facility is usually necessary.

In our region there are many "elderly apartments" facilities that serve a meal or two in their dining room daily. They are independent living, so no real supervision or help. Residents there like that they can either have privacy, or can go down to the dining room and have companionship and coffee, church services, crafts and entertainment. Some provide shuttle service to church, clinic, stores, etc.

If you can, check out what's available in your mom's area before she absolutely needs care. If there's a place or two you like, take her there to check it out. She might not know what she's missing. Get her name on the waiting list at one or two places that are appealing, as the waits to move in are often over a year long. That also gives her ample time to accept the change.

Most importantly, don't put off having the conversations.

As food for thought, here are two cautionary tales of people we know well. Man generously has mom-in-law move in. Returning the loving care and all that. 20 years later mom-in-law is now a cantankerous 97 year old prone to falling. NO WAY is she going to set foot in a nursing home. Man and his wife are approaching 80 wondering when or if they will ever get to travel and enjoy retirement and see their grandkids who live 300 miles away. Next is the 95 year old woman with a live-in relative as caregiver. Sadly, caregiver died and family are unable to move her in with them. She never looked at assisted living or nursing homes because the caregiver eliminated the need for them in her mind. Now the wait for the nursing home is 6-12 months, so family has shipped a teenaged grandchild to live with her temporarily, helping with cooking, housecleaning, dressing, bathing, etc.

Wow, what a load of guilt y'all are raining down. Not every situation is the same. Not every childhood was golden. Not everyone has "a debt to pay".

The truth is that our parents are living a lot longer than their parents. Their parents usually needed care while our parents were younger and still working. Our parents had an active retirement and enjoyed their retirement dreams. Nowadays our parents need care just as we are retired. Folks in our generation have boomerang kids (that return home to live because of the economy) plus aging parents.

Where does that leave our retirement? Did you know that statistically the family member that acts as caregiver dies before the parent? Its the stress.
We've got a lot more to deal with than our predecessors ever did.

OP - There are professionals that oversee/manage the daily care of a senior. Talk to your county Health and Senior Services. They are a good source for what is available in your area. Or you can manage it yourself via phone. Just set up your network of care professionals before you leave.

Padlin wrote:
Assisted Living, take Mom along, or forget the MH for a while.

These are truly your only options. Which one you take is entirely going to be based on your personal situation.

I would guess that many mothers would have liked a vacation away from responsibilities when they were busy changing diapers.Now it's your turn.
Believe me,when I say "Been there, done that." Don't regret a second of it!
Both sets of parents are now gone,we miss them.

Just worked through all this with MIL. Rest her soul now.

Unfortunately this problem will continue to get more frequent. Years ago old people moved in with their younger family (or the other way around). They didn't try to live alone like they so often do now. In some ways when we do "everything for them" to keep them in their home we are enabling a situation which will eventually come apart.

So my view now is that the choices come down to having the older person live with younger relatives, or moving them to a place where someone will provide that care. The status quo is unacceptable.

We too found "A Place for Mom" a very good resource. Once you find a good memory-care facility, they will help you with the task of convincing the person of the value of the move. A home care worker, or even a relative stopping by every day or two, is no substitute for a residential care facility, and is far less safe.

I wish you well. It is an emotionally draining experience.