Retired and caring for parent?

[knshook]

I was wondering if there were other people out there who would like to travel more,possibly full time,but are now caring for aging parent?
We are caring for parent with Alzheimer's and,as much as we would like to travel more extensively, it isn't possible given our circumstance.
I'm asking only to see how common this is becoming for our generation of retired folks -who also RV.

[Miz_Dani]

I just remembered a thread that was active here a couple of months ago that shed a lot of light on caregiving & wishing to be on the road, called "dealing with an elderly parent while on the road" or something very similar, I think (?) Do a search on this forum for "elderly parent" it comes right up, is about 5 pages long & offered a lot of different perspectives, not the least of which has been expressed here, saying that indeed, life is short.

We have all had friends/family members much younger than us that died unexpectedly, & there are ways in which you can find the time to go on the road, perhaps not full time for awhile but certainly in smaller doses. I just turned 62 & hopefully will still be kickin' for some time to come, but one never knows.

I plan to travel off "the rock" in the future every 3 months for about 10-14 days, keeping in tocuh by phone daily (as I do now) & even buying a class B van to keep on the Mainland, then later on trading up for a DP for full time living. Think of the ways that might be done? (Surely it has to be easier on the Mainland!)

Circumstances are different for everyone but seems I've heard many a story where the elderly parent lives longer than the children caring for them, and at times, I've felt that might happen to me. The future is so uncertain, we caregivers are basically "in limbo" and it is not easy to know what will come. We have to find ways to take care of ourselves as well, and that includes "time off" whenever feasible. It takes some ingenuity but can be done.

It's a very fine emotional line between feeling guilty for wanting a life of your own and leaving the parent for any extended time. There has to be a balance, or the caregiver indeed will not live long.

[Water-Bug]

Mom who had Alzheimers, died at age 93, just three months ago. We are snowbirding for the first time this winter. Any time that we were gone over a week, she became very distressed and dificult for the staff at the assisted living home. We were going to leave this winter, even if she haden't passed. Hard decision, but life is short. Women outlive men and if mom had you at an early age, you could have the same check out schedule.

[knshook]

We have been RVing for over 30 years. We had planned to work toward becoming full timers when we retired (2007)but it was at this time my mother could no longer live alone and we moved her in with us.(I'm an only child)
About a year ago we made the decision to move my mother to a skilled nursing facility near our home. Although it's true that she doesn't remember when I've been there, there is a dramatic difference in her temperament when I visit regularly- so I do, and I have no regrets.
We still travel but for shorter periods and we make it work-but as I read the forums, which I love to do,it left me wondering how many others in similar circumstances have altered their dreams of travel to care for a family member.
So, once again,thank you for your messages and humbling stories. We aren't alone, are we?

[TOOBOLD]

DH and I are the youngster's in this group at 42 and 44. This year has been extremely challenging for us. His mother died of a heart attack in March and my dad lost his battle with cancer in April. In the last seven months we have been taking care of my mom and his dad. My mother is the most difficult as mom never wanted to learn how to pay the bills, didn't know where dad's accounts were and she is really struggling to find her way. My brother and I now have all the bills forwarded so we can pay them and not stress her out. Our plan after dad's death was to move to the coast, but she's made it clear she's not leaving. Our plans are to stay put for now until the dust settles.

We canceled several trips this year to help our parents with their grief. We figure in time we'll be able to go out more, but this is where we are needed right now.

[Miz_Dani]

I'll try to keep this short! :R My 89 year old mom had spent 50+ years in Hawaii, got dementia, moved back to our old hometown in FL (nobody could tell her no) 3+ years ago. I worked (airlines) in Seattle, lived in Montana, & ended up traveling between the 3 places for over a year, finally had to take early retirement. After a couple of years, Mom started asking "what the heck are we doing in FL?" The rest of the family's in HI for 40+ years, so we moved her (& me) back 8 months ago, now she's asking "what the heck are we doing back here in HI?!" :E

While we're having as much fun as possible on an island, there's only so much you can do. Now that 'the dust is settled', I get to go 'off the rock' every couple of months to do the family business, & when all that's done, I can take about 10 days off for me, every 3 months or so. Every bit of that travel will be RV related! Shows, seminars, driving schools, shopping for my "last RV" and preparing for full time life on the road one day.

So, while we are "creating moments of joy", it's true, people with dementia don't know (mostly) how long you are gone. In fact, my mom still thinks I go to work (on an airplane, in Seattle) or I'd never get a day off! My sister & her hubby are here for help & moral support, & I continue to dream/hope/plan for the day I am once again back on the Mainland & able to get on the open road full time! I think the worst part is not seeing RV's anywhere, there are very few & they are all "very well-traveled". And it's true, you really do get "rock fever"!!! I've lived all over the west, TX, MT, WY, UT, CA, WA, AZ, & it is really hard not being able to see/be in wide open spaces.

To the OP, assisted living is the only way I could do this, even adult day care is a great help, there are a ton of resources at the county/state level to help you find competent elder care, even respite care, so you all can take a break from time to time, & even with limited resources. Do an internet search for elder care, you are not alone! There are also wonderful newsletters that you can sign up for online, you'll get lots of support & help with all kinds of issues & questions.

Best wishes in your journey.

[knshook]

gbopp wrote:
Our 87 year old MIL is living with us. Fortunately her mind is good but, she has limited mobility.
Plus, since the death of our son, we're raising our two young GS.
So, our traveling is very limited.
You never know what life will hand you..

You are right about never knowing what life will hand you but you do have a choice in how you handle it. You have my respect and admiration!
Thanks to all who responded. It was informative reading your comments.

[gbopp]

Our 87 year old MIL is living with us. Fortunately her mind is good but, she has limited mobility.
Plus, since the death of our son, we're raising our two young GS.
So, our traveling is very limited.
You never know what life will hand you..

[k_jensen6]

We waited. My mom also had Alzheimer's, the constant moving around was way too confusing for her. We took care of her for over a year at home. I was then able to find an amazing adult family home, but I still couldn't leave. I'm glad we did, a very hard thing to go through.

Everyone and their situations are different. Do what you won't feel guilty about.

Good luck to you.

As an afterthought; our final decision to go full time was made during my moms last year. Life is too short!

[robanddi]

My daddy moved in with us during the last two years of his life. We were SO FORTUNATE that he had his mind. His lungs, heart and body were just worn out.

While it did curtail our travel, it was one of the best times of my life. We talked and I learned things just by listening that I never knew. I also found things when cleaning out his house (where I came home from the hospital to)prior to selling. The best find were 'love letters' from him to Mama. This was in early 40's and he would leave home and travel the rails looking for work. I am amazed about how often and thorough were his letters. When I asked him where were Mama's letters, he told me in no uncertain terms, "I was living in boarding houses; there was not room to keep anything!"

I would not trade that time with Daddy for anything. I also want to say what a 'saint' my husband was. He liked Daddy and that helped but he never once complained when my priorities shifted to caring for Daddy instead of enjoying our retirement with each other.

For those of you going through this difficult time without support from family and friends, you have my utmost respect and sympathy. When the family member is suffering from dementia, it makes is so much harder. I applaud your efforts and patience.

Diann

[2oldman]

No possibility of putting him or her in a home?

Quite honestly, when they get to a certain stage they don't know if you've been away for a day or a season.

rk911 wrote:
care of an elderly parent falls to one of X number of siblings with zero support or assistance from the others.

Yes, it's usually the one who feels the guiltiest who ends up with the chore. The others run away.

[rk911]

we're fortunate. we are caring for my mother-in-law who is not suffering from Alzheimer's but does have early stage dementia. she resides in an assisted living center where she has 24-hr care. the lucky part is that my bro-in-law flys in twice a year for 2-3 months at a time so we can travel. he lives in our home where he has a separate bedroom. he does this so mother is not alone in the sense that there is no nearby family (it's just us and my bro-in-law). I've heard of cases where care of an elderly parent falls to one of X number of siblings with zero support or assistance from the others. yes, we're very lucky.