Torn between full time RVing and aging parents.

[Jean_S]

We have just retired. Our house will be on the market in a few weeks and we plan to hit the road. The only real problem is my husband's mother. She is 91, in an excellent assisted living facility, and suffers from macular degeneration. Other than that, tho, she's actually healthier than my husband is. On one hand, if we don't grab the next few years for our RV dream, we may never get to do it at all. On the other hand, she is very angry at being "abandoned" and wants us to wait "until she's gone" before we sell the house and travel. We have pointed out that our son and his family are less than 3 miles away, that she does have another son she can move closer to, that we will still call regularly, that we can be on a plane back here within hours, and that my husband's health is deteriorating, but she is still upset.

How have others dealt with this?

[littlemo]

Jean S wrote:
After reading the many comments, we are going. We can't take her along, as one person suggested. We took her with us RVing a while back, before her vision issues, for a week. Nobody wants to do THAT, again!

We will call regularly, send gifts. We got her a computer with a huge screen and our son is trying to teach her about skype - which may or may not work out. We will come back occasionally. My husband has his own problems that are slowly physically disabling him. If we wait, we may never get to go.

Good for you! When "mom" dies she will die whether you are there are not. Just do what you plan and talk to her on Skype and send pictures and go for visits when you can. With your husband's health slowly failing you will later regret not going.

[et2]

My MIL is 82. We are in our mid 50's. She can still drive, cook, go out with friends, plays cards, lives alone and is having a very good retirement. All that being said she's the type who wants to control certain people in the family. One being my wife. We aren't even retired and she has something to say about every time we do go somewhere. It better not be on anyone's birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day ( even though he's passed), Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter.

She is treated very well by everyone of her kids. The guilt trip is disgusting in our opinion. She's enjoying hers life immensely in her Golden years. But forcing her demands on us gets on our nerves. We work and don't have the luxury to do everything we like. We made the mistake of taking her to Hawaii a couple times with us, needless to say the trip wasn't as exciting as we hoped it would be.

My wife was diagnosed with CLL late last spring. She hasn't told her mother because she'll drive her nuts. My MIL could outlive my wife. Bottom line, your parents have had there time on this earth. No one is saying ignore them. But you need to do what makes the two of you happy. You never know when it's your time and what you missed out on. This is what is planned for my wife and I. My wife and our happiness is paramount for whatever years she has left.

[rdjmm]

Get over it, you want to hear what you want to hear to not feel guilty, so you go with the majority. If your parents raised you right, they want you to be happy. They raised you to be independent, and have a healthy and productive life,so go for it. What she says now is not what an she would of said when she was independent, she's scared. So go have as great Time.

[PawPaw_n_Gram]

My mother's family has a history of Alzheimer's. My father planned to travel after he retired (1986) but Mom was already starting to show signs of problems.

1993 she went into a nursing home after he could not care for her anymore. 2008 she passed away, he used to go see her every day. Fed her most days. Stayed on the staff constantly about her care.

I've spend some of the time between 2008 and 2012 driving 500 mile round trips twice a month to check on him, take him to doctors, etc.

When we told him, and my brothers and sisters, that we were selling the house and going full-time - he was our biggest supporter.

"Do it now!! You never know what the future might be. Go!!"

Though, we do try to schedule so that we can visit him for a week at least twice a year.

And so he can tell me everything I don't know about towing and caring for a trailer.

PS - one thing he really likes is getting post cards.

We started mailing them rather than a phone call almost by accident, and learned he is old enough that post cards actually mean something. I've run into high school friends while visiting back home, who tell me that my father keeps the latest three or four and brags about our travels. He can share our travels that way - since he doesn't do Facebook, social media, blogs, etc.

He actually looks forward to receiving mail from us.

[Mootpoint]

We have friends who retired almost 18 years ago. Their daughter moved in with them about that time requiring constant care due to a back injury.
There are numerous other ways for her to get assistance for free but won't because mom and dad can do it. Their life, even just trying to schedule a visit to the store, revolves around her. Her own kids won't even take her to a doctors appointment because they've been told that gran and gramps will do it.
Their great grandson's birthday, he was turning 2, fell on a weekend where they were able to go away for 4 days. They decided they would go see him several days before so they could get away for the first time in 4 years. Their daughter told them they were being extremely selfish and should stay home.

He is now in his 80's and can't get proper medical insurance to travel. He still gets his MH out and ready to go but it hasn't moved more than 500 miles in the last 8 years.


Go, go fast, go now, don't look back! :W

[PatStab]

Mine is a little different but issues. Mom did help when the kids were little, my dad was killed in a construction accident 6 months before he retired. Mom was left in good financial condition and good health. She cried and went on how you just don't know, they didn't get along that well! She had quite a few boyfriends and the last one was a gem, she traveled all over. Oh she dropped the kids after dad died never to care for them again. I have a mentally challenged DD and it was hell. I worked for many years, she was latch key, left more then she should have been, no begging to either family would get any help. We had to leave the area because work died here and that was their excuse. I missed work, worked myself to death and stressed to keep a job. My husband worked on construction usually 6 or 7 days a week, left before the sun was up and home after it was set.

Fast forward, mom gets older and sicker, a lot of it self imposed because of poor eating habits and shall I say more alcohol for someone with stomach issues to have. I would come home eventually on every vacation and get her better or take her home with me for a few months till I could make the rounds of doctors and get her better. This was after her boyfriend got lupus and at that age others were to old or ill to take her anymore. She ran her friends ragged. But she got glaucoma, whether she knew or tried to hide it who knows but when she had to quit driving for her that was the end. I took her to Houston, she had surgeries and stopped the advance of it but to much sight had been lost. She was at the house for sometime but wanted our mentally challenged daughter to stay home and care for her. I would leave food, do everything and she wouldn't even heat it. I tried coming home from work to feed them, well you know how long that lasted. I had to quit, then tried real estate, didn't like it, did part time temp work making nothing. Talk about depressed I lost my retirement everything. Yes, I'm sure I sound bitter, I was an only child also.
Finally it was effecting our marriage and DD got very ill. She was hospitalized and all mom could think of is being dressed up and ready to go somewhere. She would be like that everyday when I came home from work. I finally started looking for assisted living. She by then had COPD, some heart issues, couldn't see good, but wanted to run all the time, had no interests.
She would call constantly and as hubby says you better go or she will be ill and have to go to the doctor or hospital, most of the docs just finally told her there wasn't anything they could do it was for the most part just old age.
This went on for some time in the hospital and out, finally I had to put her in a nursing home, she only lasted a few months after that. I think she couldn't go all the time and just quit living. I did it and as hubby says you know you did all you could, but it took a toll on me in many ways

My folks had me older, so now MIL is 88. We moved back because the neighbors said she was having issues. I didn't mind moving back so much, it is nice here and I planned on traveling, my husband kept wanting me to wait, to wait, in my 60's I said are you going to retire and go with me? Well no, he didnt' have much interest in traveling, he goes all over the world and has for 14 years so why would he? I got my motorhome, he takes care of it, pays for all of it, and doesn't mind so I got to start traveling some maybe 6 years ago but not like I wanted to.

Now we are here with MIL, there is no talking to her. She has dementia or alzheimers, so did her mom, brother, and sister has it who lives next door to her off and on. I have tried to get her to a doc, she doesn't eat enough, she is losing weight. She doesn't remember things. I explained docs won't cure her but could help her have a better quality of life, nope. By the way had no help from them at all, Fil passed about 10 years ago, he would have been impossible to deal with. So here we are. She really needs to be in assisted living, I've talked till I'm blue in the face. She is coming up for an eye exam for her license, couldn't pass it a few months ago, but she didn't have her glasses. I told hubby when he is home he can take her, then it won't be me doing anything to her so he is. But I can't do anything with her or for her. I talked to her elderly neighbors and told them I'm going, I did last winter but only for a month. This time I'm going for Jan, back for Feb when hubby is home then leaving again for March and April. I will be 69, don't drive at night now, have
health issues with our DD, she is hospitalized periodically for health and some psychiatric issues the last few years so if I don't go I never will. Unless she
will listen to her son we figure it will take a guardianship proceeding to get her in a facility.

With hubbies family history, mine doesn't have alzheimers or dementia in it, long lived and healthy, his is long lived, we have our wills POA's etc so ready for all that. I don't want battles like that. WE have no one to take care of us, I will likely have to keep DD till I'm 80. Our son lives and works overseas and I don't expect him to disrupt his life like I had to. So folks, go, have fun, I'm going to, I waited long enough. Don't know how this will turn out, but I'm leaving next Monday. Sorry for the length of this but man for me its not just parents but DD and it will never end for me, some of us never get a reprieve. And yes do I get depressed, yes I do but pull myself out of it. Life is what you make it.

And everyone have a Very Merry Christmas!!

[rolling_rhoda]

We hope to snowbird next winter and spend a few weeks back home over Christmas. Every time it comes up, though, Mom makes negative comments. Her favorite remark is about us abandoning our kids (who are adults). She also talks about how we won't last long in an Rv, missing a real bed, and on and on. She just doesn't get it, and deep down doesn't want us to go.
We are so tired of cold and ice, and are really looking forward to enjoying the outdoors in a nicer climate, seeing new things, and meeting people along the way. It's going to be a problem, I think. We can't see sitting here in five months of below freezing weather just in case she needs us. She has a busy social life with good friends. None of us are getting any younger, and we'd like to enjoy our good health and not be stuck in the house all winter.

[kennethwooster]

Dad passed may years ago. Mom was very good about trying to stay out of our lives, and was behind us. She has since passed at 93. Now we are dealing with my wives parents. They live 700 miles from us in Memphis Tenn. We've made the trip way too many times. Tried to move them to Texas and her Mother said no. Last summer we had to leave Colorado early, travel to Texas, and then head to Tenn., ply to find that she was not near as bad as we were told by phone. Could happen again this next season.

[toedtoes]

I think it's great that you are going - you have to do what's right for YOU.

But, I would also suggest that you don't look at her comments and actions as trying to control you (or guilt tripping you). Instead, realize she is trying to control HER life. She's going blind, she's in assisted living where others have the upper hand, and the only time she can visit with friends and family is when THEY determine it's time.

Realizing that and making an effort to give her some control of her life back could make your decision a lot more positive. Something like, "Mom, we need to do this for us, but we're not abandoning you. We will come back for a visit X times a year, why don't you help us pick when those visits will be? Why don't you decide on a schedule for skype/phone calls every X days?" Then let her pick a day of the week and time of day for those calls and whether she wants your visits to occur on the holidays or during the times when other folks tend to forget to visit? You can set limitations (only in summer months, only 2 visits per year, only 1 week visits, etc.), but let her have some control as to when.

I just remember my dad when he couldn't get out anymore. He would sit alone for weeks and then would have 5 visits in one day (usually right after he got sick or something) and then sit alone for weeks again. He enjoyed the visits, having so many at once just made the rest of the time extremely lonely. Then he'd get demanding with us kids to come over and help. I tried to coordinate visits from folks to spread it out, but it seems everyone was more concerned about their convenience than his needs - but they always looked caring when they showed up after a hospital stay.

[Billinwoodland]

Well, I'm going against the grain. My mom had open heart surgery in 1989, had some complications, but was OK. In 1990, I was offered a job in UAE on a 5 year contract. In a nutshell, I would have made enough money in the 5 years to retire and live comfortably the rest of my life. I turned it down. The guy who took the job stayed 15 years in the UAE after renewing the contract a few times. My mom became ill in 1991 and passed in 1992. I have some special skills that allowed me to insure that her healthcare was top notch to the end. Had I taken the job, I could not have been there for my mom, and importantly, would not have been able to spend the time with her those last few years. I'm still a working stiff today, but never regretted my decision to be near my mom.

[J_herb]

YES! GO while you still can, my 85 year old MIL was in a assisted living home and the state was helping paying for it and the MIL got better and the state said that she didn't need to be their. ( they have no idea )and stop paying for her stay. My SIL and us took turns taking care of her than my SIL died this last May and now we have my MIL full time with no other family that can help as they all work and have small kids to take care of. My MIL has mild dementia and has a bad attitude, so we are stuck with her until we get some help so we don't get to go traveling at all.

[camper19709]

Go! Why is fulltime any different than moving thousands of miles away for a better job? We never know how long any of us will live. Just because you live 2 minutes down the street does not mean you have any control over her dying in her sleep some night. Go! Just keep in touch!

[Steve_B_]

Similar situation with me. My folks are 87 and 89 and will not budge from their home. My sister lives next to them and feels like a prisoner sometimes. I retired in June after 30 years of teaching elementary school. If I'm gone for just two weeks I hear about how lonely they get when no one is around, etc. I remind her that it was their choice to build a house back in the woods away from everyone. They traveled in a motor home for several years, a month or more at a time, and have been to several continents I will never make it to. I feel that it's now my turn but I get the guilt trip put on me when I leave. My partner and I bought a place in Florida four years ago and I'm determined to spend quite a bit of the winter there. I give my sister time away when she asks for it to try to be fair to her and so she can keep her sanity.
My mother claims that no one has to stay home on their account but they really are in assisted living - assisted by my sister and me. There is no other way they could still be at home. I don't feel too guilty leaving them, but I do feel guilty about my sister being stuck there. Don't know how long this will go on but I will just have to remind them that they had their turn and I need mine while my health lets me enjoy camping, other travel, and time in Florida. With my partner being 11 years older than me, I may have to be taking care of him in 10 years so I'll take whatever time I can get now. People tell me the same thing I've read here - go. I'll try to keep it balanced and keep everybody happy.

[myredracer]

We're also in the same boat. When I was very young, I looked at older people and that was really neat because they've got things all figured out, are financially secure and can do whatever they want. Nothing is farther from the truth. Two parents still here, my mom is 91 and has Alzheimers and is in a care home. FIL has issues from a stroke a few years back and is in early-mid dementia and is now in assisted living. Both are well taken care of and can do just fine if we're not around. Our parent's stories are below in the "appendix"...

After 6+ years of dealing with both parents, we're fried and are suffering from caregiver burnout. We lost a lot of camping time this past summer because FIL was hospital for nearly a month then had to be taken care of at his place. Also DW's mom died from cancer in her 50s. I'm retired but DW still has a few years of working to go. We've both decided we're going to take more time for ourselves next summer and let the care facilities look after our parents without feeling guilty one little bit. In 3 years if they are both around, we're going to do extended RV-ing trips.

You never know when the next day you wake up could be your last. Or you could have a stroke and end up confined to a bed. We've both worked very hard our adult lives to have what we have and to be able to have want we want in retirement. If one of us was gone, I highly doubt the other would still go on the trips that you dreamed about for so many years. And I almost guarantee if you asked a parent when they were younger and in a full state of mind that they would not want you to not enjoy yourselves later in life. I don't think anyone should feel guilty as long as parents are being looked after properly by someone. (Unfortunately there are many that never get the luxury of being put in a care home even if they have every reason and right to be for a number of circumstances.)

I wouldn't wish what we have been through with parents on anyone but I know it's not uncommon once you start talking to people in our age range.

Appendix:

We went through absolute hell with mom for several years trying to get our local health authority to put her in a care facility. She lived in her own house and could not cook or do housework because she no longer knew how. She would walk to and from her house 10 - 20 times a day for no reason and was never home in the daytime. She's very deaf and would walk right in front of cars on her busy street and not hear them. She used to steal food from the nearby grocery store. She could not heat up the frozen meals we took to her house. And a family member was financially abusing her. There was no gov. or non-profit org. that would/could help. We had a signed affidavit from her doctor that said she needed to be in a 24 hour care facility but the health authority kept saying "she's perfectly fine and seniors want to stay in their own homes" which is their standard party line spew. It wasn't until we formally complained to our the provincial gov. rep. for our area that she finally got put into a home, and it only took 2 days after that! She's now been in the care home for over 3 yrs. I had to go to court to get a "committeeship" which is higher than a power of attorney. The court battle was gut wrenching in itself and the judge said he was flabbergasted what the other family member was trying to do.

FIL has also been a handful for the past few years - not as bad as mom, but still a LOT of work. He went into a low level residential care type bldg. several years ago after a stroke that left one hand with no function. He has been extremely needy and demanding and has been sliding into dementia the whole time. Constant phone calls and requests to go see him to deal with things, many of which were his own doing like breaking the TV, AC unit, hearing aids, and plenty more. Having to take him to medical appts., do his laundry, clean his place,