Torn between full time RVing and aging parents.

[Jean_S]

We have just retired. Our house will be on the market in a few weeks and we plan to hit the road. The only real problem is my husband's mother. She is 91, in an excellent assisted living facility, and suffers from macular degeneration. Other than that, tho, she's actually healthier than my husband is. On one hand, if we don't grab the next few years for our RV dream, we may never get to do it at all. On the other hand, she is very angry at being "abandoned" and wants us to wait "until she's gone" before we sell the house and travel. We have pointed out that our son and his family are less than 3 miles away, that she does have another son she can move closer to, that we will still call regularly, that we can be on a plane back here within hours, and that my husband's health is deteriorating, but she is still upset.

How have others dealt with this?

[bull1]

We are in the same situation. The difference is that we have camped and traveled all of our adult lives. We would love to go full time or at least nearly full time but we can't due to my mother age 90. My mother in law passed away a few years ago and my wife took care of her until the end visiting every day at the nursing home. The one thing she always says is "I know that I did all I could to make my mothers last days bareable" I want to be able to say the same thing. My sister lives 1000 miles away so cannot take as much part in My mothers care as we can, living in the same city as her. What we are able to do is leave for 3 weeks this winter to go south. My sister will stay with my mother during that time frame. My mother lost my father at age 40 yet managed to raise 2 productive kids on her own, the least I can do is adjust a little to make her finial days bareable. We do go regulary on short trips throughout the year and check in by phone and it works for my mother and us, not a perfect world but an acceptable one.

[Jean_S]

There are so many comments here from people who advised taking hubby's mother with us. At first, I thought you were being sarcastic. Then, I realized that you were not. There are actually functional families out there. I am so jealous that I can hardly stand it, and that is not sarcasm.

[noe-place]

My Dad passed away at 57 in 1982 never making it to retirement. It was his dream after retiring to travel the country with Mom. He never got to see even ONE of the places he'd always dreamed of and that has stayed with me to this day. Mom outlived Dad more than 20yrs and I made sure every trip we took she went with us. When her health started to fail in her 80's she said she didn't feel well enough to travel any longer but insisted we go on. My sister and her husband moved into her home with her so I knew she'd be taken care of. She passed away a few short years ago but I have the satisfaction of knowing she got to see many of the places on Dad's behalf. Without being offensive if I might suggest, your Mom may be deteriorating mentally and doesn't mean anything by trying to get you to stay with her. If the gentleman's health is deteriorating I strongly urge you to see what you can while you can both go. We never know if we're going to have a tomorrow.

[down_home]

I'm not sure if i have replied to this post before or not. I now have cataracts and and remis to search.
I cam across and Individuaal, at Travers Bay RV Resort He took his Mother with him everywhere. She was in her nineties, I think I understood. If you think the coach is big enough give her something she hasn't been able to enjoy. Take her with you, that is if everything meshes with your plans and ability. I got a comfortable jackknife couch installed in our especially to take Mother with us. She wouldn't go. Alzeheimers had the say. I wish I could have taken both Mom and Dad with us back when they could go. I know DAd would have been thrilled.

[JEBar]

Jean S wrote:
After reading the many comments, we are going. We can't take her along, as one person suggested. We took her with us RVing a while back, before her vision issues, for a week. Nobody wants to do THAT, again!

We will call regularly, send gifts. We got her a computer with a huge screen and our son is trying to teach her about skype - which may or may not work out. We will come back occasionally. My husband has his own problems that are slowly physically disabling him. If we wait, we may never get to go.

the only correct answer for you guys is whatever you are at peace with .... nobody else's opinion matters .... I hope you are able to live your dream for many years and build memories that will last long after your ability to travel wanes

Jim

[ol__yeller]

As someone who has walked a mile in your shoes (MIL) I say if your elderly person is in a safe place and can be adequately cared for by others (family or hired) then go and enjoy your retirement. There is a multitude of ways to stay in touch and a return visit to check in or up would be much appreciated.

When a person is removed from their home and placed in a senior center, they become very unsure of themselves and their place in the world. This is especially true of parents who were born during the depression. They are used to being the ones who worked and took care of others so it is hard for them to rest on their laurels. This can be evidenced with guilt trips or even exaggerated illnesses to bring you back to their bedside. If you can reasonably be assured that they are well cared for and can come back for a visit, I say go with a clear conscience.

[cmsm]

2 years ago my DH & I decided to go full-time. In August 2012, my father had a very bad fall off a ladder. I moved home with my mother & ended up staying with her for 2 months. Once dad was transferred to a rehab unit, I moved back home to our RV. It was getting close to the time for us to head south for the winter. I told mom that if she wanted we would winterize the RV & stay as long as they needed us. She said "No, you need to live your own life. Now is the time for our friends, who have been offering support, to be there for us.".
We talk regularly, email every couple of days & if there is a disaster, I can get a flight & be there in less than 12 hours.
I am glad you have decided to go. Life is uncertain & you need to live your dreams while you can.

[Parrothead_Mike]

Some parents are great at dishing out the guilt trip. My mother, rest her loving soul, was excellent at it when I was young and she really never changed up until the time she passed away. Sometimes you have to be your own person though. Do your best and keep the travels close enough, but travel just the same.

[MaverickBBD]

We are full timers for two and a half years now. We had elderly relatives on both coast. Two day before we were to head south from the Washington state coast a year ago October, I got a phone call that I was needed in Philadelphia at 6 a.m. By 11 a.m. was on a plane. I asked the people in the park to keep an eye on D.W. They hired her and put her to work in the office. My sister called at the height of the medical emergency and asked if she was needed there. I said hold off until the end of the month so that I could move the M.H. south. Wife said it started raining the day I left. Sister flew in for a week. I moved M.H. to Yuma. The point is it is all doable. As a fulltimer you have to be flexible, adapt and overcome. If you don't think you can handle that then it is probably not for you.

[SDcampowneroper]

water witch wrote:
We did not go seven years ago when DH retired because of my mom's health issues. Had been planning to FT but were (I was) too guilty. DH was diagnosed with ALS a week after my mom died last year. No full time for us now. Should have gone. Go!! Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

My wholehearted sympathies to you. Lou Gehrigs (als) gives no time for your 'bucket list'

[water_witch]

We did not go seven years ago when DH retired because of my mom's health issues. Had been planning to FT but were (I was) too guilty. DH was diagnosed with ALS a week after my mom died last year. No full time for us now. Should have gone. Go!! Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

[sowego]

I agree....do both...travel and go back to spend quality time with her frequently.

The one reason we live across the road from my parents is their age. We do not travel to be gone for more than 1 month and won't until later even though we aren't spring chickens either. We both spent a lot of decades away from family so we don't want to be away that long ever again.

We found that seeing stuff just wasn't as much fun or rewarding as spending time with family. In fact we center our travel around family since we've seen about all the country as we wish to see.

Retirement and being able to live where we want and do what we want allowed us this freedom, not like the working and military days when we "had" to be elsewhere.

Life is too short to stress about anything...wing it!

[lj2654]

This is a very tough question! My wife and I bought a Class C back in 1998 , sold our home after our kids grew up and moved on. I have many medical issues and retired medically in 1992.

We took care of my MIL for two years at home until she died. Also had my 90 yo grandmother with us for a few months before she died. We went to an RV park 75 miles away and my wife worked there, we stayed 2 years doing that!

We did finally decide to take off and travel, My Mom was in an assisted living facility but I had a brother close by.....We were on the road and in Ohio when SIL called about youngest sis in law...she was abused and in trauma unit in Ms. We packed up and headed there, she was soon released, paralyzed and with a 1 year old son. We had husband finally arrested and he went to prison...we took the baby and eventually adopted him. He is now 13 years old.....We came home and sold RV and settled back down per judges orders.......Now we have a DP and want to travel full time, after son graduates high school and goes to college.....Mom came to live with us and has passed away 2 years ago now....Our health isn't great but we still want to hit the road soon....

if you can go, do it......as long as you have someone with Mom it is ok...enjoy the time while you can, life has a way of changing plans quickly....

[RoadLife]

That's the right decision. Your first priority is your husband. Go and have fun. After a bit, she will adjust to the new normal. Start a blog and take lots of pictures. She can keep up with you on her new computer.

[amandasgramma]

Jean S wrote:
After reading the many comments, we are going. We can't take her along, as one person suggested. We took her with us RVing a while back, before her vision issues, for a week. Nobody wants to do THAT, again!

We will call regularly, send gifts. We got her a computer with a huge screen and our son is trying to teach her about skype - which may or may not work out. We will come back occasionally. My husband has his own problems that are slowly physically disabling him. If we wait, we may never get to go.

Good for you....you won't regret it. First priority is your father. For the one that asked how you'd feel if she died while you were gone.....she's going to die.....no matter where you are. Have a great time. The memories are worth it. God Bless